tearing out the sutures

dry your hollow eyes, and let's go down to the water

2007-12-15T09:33:53Z

i have not updated in a really long time. not too much is that new. same as always. which is quite unfortunate. i haven't moved in 2.5 years. over two years of not growing up, of not moving forward, and of not being braver. that is so pathetic. no, this isn't an emo entry reminiscent of freshman year....it's just honesty without expectation for pity....if that makes it emo....well, i hope it doesn't.....but if it does....so be it.

i can't wait for the semester to be over. i have so much left to do, but i'm just exhausted. i know i'll get it done, but it feels nice to say that i won't. music helps, as do friends. my many caring, loving friends. through all the groping, we are all definitely quite serious and i love that. i cherish that we can behave this way, while being real. that is very hard to find.

i must tell them everything. my crushes. it is completely unacceptable that i haven't done anything. i shouldn't make excuses....and i thought i had moved pass the whole masochism immature phase. i guess it's harder to get rid of than i originally thought, even at 21. at least i don't fell anxious about it :)

but in all seriousness, they will both know everything before the new year. they have to, since it is only fair for the both of us.

i can't wait for new year's when we will be traveling downtown to party it up. it's going to rock hardcore.

goodnight kids. hopefully i'll update more

picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers

2007-08-04T18:58:11Z

since a murky rain is falling outside, it seems fall is coming. only for a day. is it wrong that summer has about two months left and i could care less? i want fall to be here. now. i want school to start, i want to meet new people, i want classes and homework and opportunities.

~

i'm loving all my new music:

Rihanna - Don't Stop The Music
Maroon 5 - Wake Up Call
Ash - Polaris
Akon - Sorry, Blame It On Me
Enrique Iglesias Feat. Lil' Wayne - Push
Kelly Clarkson - Sober
Daughtry - Over You
Collie Buddz - Mamacita
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel
Young Love - Find A New Way
Say Anything - Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too
Sean Kingston - Me Love
Taking Back Sunday - My Blue Heaven
Blue October - She's My Ride Home
50 Cent Feat. Justin Timberlake & Timbaland - Ayo Technology
Yellowcard - Light Up The Sky
Linkin Park - Bleed It Out
My Chemical Romance - I Don't Love You
The Academy Is... - Everything We Had
Nelly Furtado - Do It
Jojo - Beautiful Girls Reply
Mat Kearney - Undeniable
Wyclef Jean Feat. Akon, Lil' Wayne, & Nia - Sweetest Girl

~

i can't wait to move in a week. i've been cleaning like crazy, which just means i've been throwing things away and packing. actual cleaning will have to wait. meh.

this summer has been fantastic so far. great talks (especially lately), good walks, adventures, and activities. one night kristi and i partied until 4 in the morning. that was hilarious. brett, matt, and andrew will be dearly missed. they've been so great these past three months. i've never become such fast friends before. i was so shy last year (so unlike me) and looking back on this past school year and summer makes me realize how much i've grown. i know what i want in relationships and won't settle for anything less. it's not worth it. plus, life is way too fucking short to just float along without making deep connections. i just wish people were more honest with themselves. that's been the theme with certain people lately. it's not a huge problem, but i feel it's a complete waste of time. sure, lessons must be learned so inner growth can occur, which is why the honesty struggle bugs me so much. without honesty, nothing can grow and you're just stuck. i don't like seeing my friends like that. i can't do anything, and i don't really want to either, it's just frustrating. i have my fixing complex, where i want everything to my liking or what i think is correct. so lately i've just been sitting back and watching. watching and being a pushover. no more. i've never been like that until i got to college. i've never been afraid to speak my mind to tell people what i think. what's the worst that could happen? i get ignored for a little while if it's perceived i stepped over the line. big fucking deal. i'm taking the middle road. no extreme over the other. not trying to fix things, but not on the sideline either. just say my take on it, and hopefully it'll spark something to at least start thinking. and if they're too immature and get really defensive, it won't matter because i tried.

brett and i had a wonderful talk last night, as did me and kate. we're all growing up so fast and they get it. brett is so wonderful and i hate that i won't be seeing him too much after he leaves in a week. but that's what it was meant for. we'll fall back into place whenever i see him again. same goes for kallie, who was such a joy to be with for only two weeks. oh dear, then kate leaves in about a month. jesus. that one will really suck. we became so real so fast in just six months and i feel so connected with her. london will so good for her personal growth, so i'm trying to be much more glad than upset. then there's matt, but he's visiting labor day weekend. and andrew might move here second semester. jj goes to argyle...across the street. psh. life is good.

the ladies know the real from the fake

2007-05-07T17:55:38Z

(week 2 of april)

meanwhile, lis, katie and i had avoided signing our lease because we all wanted a bigger room and because procrastination is always better than taking care of something right away. problem: no fourth roommate. katie and i had been eyeing 314 for a while, but gave up on the idea months ago. well, mar had been having problems and had been thinking about moving out and made a decision which proceed to create a lot of drama shortly after. i won't get into to all of it since i can't know the whole story except what happened with me. mar decided to come down with us and see if there was a room open. the day before, they had a cancellation - so we went for it. mar told everyone she was moving out. we are very excited to have her join us, but i warned her that i didn't want her running away. granted, it's only one floor up - but still. she had four more months to solve or do whatever with whatever had been going on in her apartment. currently, i think it's slow, but progress is being made. i can only hope for the best.

bjorn was over at 312 doing another project with jj. i obviously interrupted a conversation since i could feel awkwardness when i walked in. oops. but, it made me a little sad. jj and i used to have great talks last year. granted, they weren't too often, but they were really nice to have. especially because i have no close guy friends, besides sami. there they are all happy and being nerdy and i wanted to punch him. it was my fault. i know i have to pry with him, but that just gets so annoying. we moved in at the beginning of the year, and we just lost touch. i now knew nothing of his family stuff, nor did he of mine. ugh. i decided to pry next time he was drunk, but usually this only occurred outside of dinnaken walls. whatever. i'd wait.

i got back to work on figuring out which songs i wanted to include and how much new music would be there. i just began editing every song in sight in case i decided it would be used later. the new songs took me all week. oy.

next friday (the next house party) i picked out all the homos. they were everywhere and came in so many different flavors! there was closeted, conservative, butt plug clearly up ass all day, oral fixation, very political, and the nerd (very rare to find). let's just say i had fun talking to a 'closeted' and probably wanted to do more to him than i was allowed to in public. so i refrained. sam and i had a wonderful time taking over the iPod. not too much rap, but we found it. oh, how i love when we rap songs together.

sometime thereafter, it was free cone day. heather had becoming closer again and i was very thrilled with that. unfortunately she was at class when mar, ash, ryan, sami, lis, and i grilled outside. i brought kate and nidhi with me, since i thought it was finally time to integrate my friends. we got free cones after that, and had so much fun dancing to the new music playing. no one knew the songs except me, so i rocked out. we ended up running into bjorn and some of his friends. he was wearing some skinny polo with trendy jeans and flip-flops. GAY. oh man...how interesting. i mean i had joked before that he seemed really gay to me, but now. oh boy. plus married to a fag-hag on facebook? well, no matter what the story behind it, this cannot be spun any other way. wow. gay nerd frat boy. that was a new one for me. i joked to kate who proceeded to tell me that he was definitely straight. ha! i must prove this wrong. but i don't know him and it would be very rude of me. ....like that would stop me. bad news for me, he immediately left and i hadn't seen him at jj's lately. damn. we went back to get ice cream a second time later and sami decided to wear ash's chicken suit to become friends with the cow mascot. hilarity ensued when they began dancing together. sami also stole carly's bike when we saw her. i also ran in to kaitie, so we caught up waiting in line. it was a very good day.

we raise our glass, you bet your ass to la vie boheme

2007-05-06T03:56:13Z

(week 1 of april)

allie and dana left for italy to visit alyssa and they had a going away party in the beginning of april. after a week, i decided to try again and mix something really nice together. something different than the past. they say change is constant, and i needed to evolve - in what i was editing and how i was going about it. i kept up while jenn decided to lend me her grey's anatomy dvds. horrible idea. i am now obsessed with another show. it does sound really bad, but it's only an hour max of my day and at least i am doing something instead...of....i don't know....sleeping....

allie invited me to a house party as soon as she and dana got back. we went all the way to fucking freezing como. well, sam drove us there (very nice of her), but we had to walk all the way back. i should remember that layers are essential. oops. well, the party was awesome i met some people who were at the next party over in dinkytown when allie invited me the next weekend. there i saw julie who i hadn't seen in a very very long time. quick back story: we have been church friends since we were in kindergarten. i last saw her when i visited her over spring break my senior year of high school. so it had been two years since we last spoke. well, it was wonderful to see her sober while i was smashed out of my mind. geez. she didn't mind and we talked for a while and caught up with shortened stories. we agreed to expand over the summer after finals so we could be fully attentive. good call, juelz.

later that night, i decided to meet the girls in 321 over at a frat which was only a couple of blocks away. coincidentally, this happened to be bjorn's frat. i had met him a couple of times over at jj's because they're in the same major and do homework and projects together. he seemed really nice for a frat boy, and then jj informed me it was the nerdy i.t. frat. so, he's normal, kinda cool, and a nerd. sounds awesome in my book. somehow, 321 knows him and the frat was awesome. or so it appeared. i never went inside. i was too busy stopping some drunk ass smoking a cigar who was about to fall down the concrete stairs. but this drunk ass, i knew by the name jj. wtf? he had begun this drinking spree since he returned from spring break. at least four nights this week. i thought it was great he was finally letting off some steam and partying, but it pissed me off a little that it took all his new friends to bring this out of him instead of us. but whatever, that's me being childish. i was happy for him, but wanted him to keep enjoying himself so i stopped him before he fell. i'm so nice. we talked for a little bit and we went back inside. i guess bjorn's awesome to party with. i decided to keep that in the back of my mind.

321 and i (and justin, david, steve, and luiza's sister ligia) went back to dinnaken to party up in david's room. david's a pretty cool kid and his room was fun. as was the fact that he couldn't remember ligia's name. priceless. aaron also stopped by - i love that kid. he lives in UC, but in a different building than allie and dana. i forget how 321 knows him....not important. anyway, i told aaron a great story from months ago and we proceeded to laugh a lot the rest of the night. especially at the part with justin and luiza. i am so funny.

it's raining, baby come into me

2007-05-04T18:47:52Z

it has almost been two months since i have written anything in this journal. too much has happened to recap at this time, so i'll do that maybe after this weekend. right now, i'm too pissed at the associated press and the republicans (they do not deserve to be capitalized). the Matthew Shepard Bill barely passed the House of Representatives - which is just depressing. the story via Yahoo! news:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070503/ap_on_go_co/hate_crimes

as soon as you finish, head back up to the part in the article that reads: 'Republicans, in a parliamentary move that would have effectively killed the bill, tried to add seniors and the military to those qualifying for hate crimes protection. It was defeated on a mainly party-line vote.'

this is so misleading it makes me want to punch someone in the cunt.

for better coverage head over here and watch the videos:

http://americablog.blogspot.com/2007/05/good-statements-from-house-floor-debate.html

take this excerpt: 'The Republicans have been railing for days about how this legislation doesn't cover our Armed Forces and senior citizens, and now that the Dems offer to put our Armed Forces and seniors in this legislation, the Republicans said no and affirmatively stopped the Democrats from doing it anyway.'

cunts

~

in other news, maybe i will update. it's not like i have anything going on right now. i have a spanish writing test at 3:35, but that's it. in the past two months, spring break has come and gone, as has easter and some house parties, dinnaken parties, dinnaken drama, and now finals are upon us. each weekend of march was nice, because it was a different spring break. i got to see katie e., emily, jenna, jenn, and caro. that's all i really need. it was wonderful seeing each of them. em had some interesting law breaking stories to tell me... good times apparently. hahaha....oh, em.

after spring break i had started work on a demo and i was going to look around for employment. the last week of march i came into possession of a business card and thought it would be a good idea to rush a mix in four days, so i would be done before the infamous formal at McNamara. i finished, but it blew so i just had fun at the dance hoping to sweep some cute boy off his feet. it did not work, but it didn't matter since i had a lot of fun with friends. adam, dana, allie, heather, matt, mar, katie, sami. it was amazing and a nice surprise to see adam.

why you gotta be anonymous?

2007-03-06T01:04:13Z

part 2 of my new music list:

Daughtry - It's Not Over
Jet - Shine On
Sugarcult - Los Angeles
Muse - Starlight
Taking Back Sunday - Twenty-Twenty Surgery
The Ataris - Not Capable Of Love
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - False Pretense
The Killers - Read My Mind
Three Days Grace - Never Too Late
Keane - Nothing In My Way
Our Lady Peace - Kiss On The Mouth
Crossfade - Drown You Out
My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words
Evanescence - Lithium
Finger Eleven - Paralyzer
Modest Mouse - Dashboard
Bloc Party - The Prayer
Papa Roach - Forever
Incubus - Dig
Snow Patrol - You're All I Have
Disturbed - Ten Thousand Fists
Beck - Think I'm In Love
Thursday - At This Velocity
Buckcherry - Everything
+44 - Baby, Come On
Chevelle - Well Enough Alone
Fall Out Boy - Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
Good Charlotte - The River
Daughtry - What I Want
Jet - Stand Up

~

i get to see caro and jenna tomorrow!!! i'm so excited. i know it's only been two months, but still. she told me on the phone today that her sisters got her addicted to 'Veronica Mars.' excellent.... now we can obsessively talk over another show together. ahahah!!!

allie's party, on saturday, was so wonderful. we were both so far gone. matt was there and hilarious as always - oh how i love you matthew. sam and adam came and that was great! sam and i didn't get to rap to enough songs, so we'll have to change that next time we hang out. i kept making fun of dana's clothes, ana and i caught up talking outside. katie, ash, and sami came a little later, em and bryce stopped by as well. all in all, a wonderful evening.

i give you that credibility for the right check, keep your future on the shelf

2007-03-01T20:10:52Z

jake's been making his rounds on on talk shows promoting 'Zodiac.' there are new interesting facts i never knew about him:

- took 'modern dance' in high school.
- has a strong gag reflex (how unfortunate)
- freaks out easily
- was staying with a friend in a separate cabin while vacationing with his family over winter break

...so many comments to make.....must choose....just one............

GAY!

it's now time for new music March!!! just something i'm just starting as an fyi for anyone looking for new music i deem acceptable. i'm such a cock. ha!

Jay-Z - 30 Something
Jay-Z Feat. Beyonce - Hollywood
Corinne Bailey Rae - I'd Like To
Chamillionaire Feat. Kelis - Not A Criminal
Paula DeAnda Feat. Lil' Wayne - Easy
Ciara Feat. R. Kelly - Promise (Remix)
Ashanti Feat. Jim Jones - You Can't Deny It (Ridah)
Ryan Leslie Feat. Nas - The Way That You Move
Timbaland Feat. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake - Give It To Me
Ja Rule Feat. Ashley Joi - Free
Akon - Shake Down
Bobby Valentino Feat. Timbaland - Anonymous
Brick & Lace - Never Ever (Remix)
Pretty Ricky - Push It Baby
Pretty Ricky - On The Hotline
Lil' Scrappy Feat. Sean Paul of Youngbloodz & E-40 - Oh Yeah Work
Swizz Beatz - It's Me Bitches
Chingy Feat. Mr. Collipark - U A Freak (Nasty Girl) (Remix)
Lloyd Feat. Yung Joc - Get It Shawty
Lloyd Feat. Lil' Wayne - You
Mims - This Is Why I'm Hot
Three 6 Mafia Feat. Chamillionaire - Dope Boy Fresh
Young Jeezy Feat. R. Kelly - Go Getta
Birdman & Lil' Wayne Feat. Rick Ross & T-Pain - Know What I'm Doin'
Brooke Valentine Feat. Dem Franchize Boyz - Pimped Out
Ying Yang Twins - Jigglin'
Beyonce Feat. Jay-Z - Upgrade U
The Game Feat. Kanye West - Wouldn't Get Far
Pink - Nobody Knows
Mickey Avalon - Jane Fonda

i'll switch genres tomorrow!

like my first time, when i caught fire

2007-02-21T06:35:34Z

of all the shows i haven't watched, i can't believe 'Boston Legal' isn't one of them. here's a great clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KP79baPnZFk

~

i just got back from visiting allie. how i love her so much. a great time catching up and a great night of Gilmore and Veronica.

~

and i stole this from Alyssa, the TV Meme. Bold if you've seen more than 3 episodes, Italicize if you've seen the entire series, and feel free to add up to 3 series not on this list:

24
7th Heaven

Absolutely Fabulous
Action
Adam-12
Aeon Flux
AL
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Alias
American Idol/Pop Idol/Canadian Idol/Australian Idol/etc. - only season 1, when Kelly Clarkson won.
America's Next Top Model/Germany's NTM
Angel
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Arrested Development
Ally McBeal

Babylon 5
Babylon 5: Crusade
Battlestar Galactica (the old one)
Battlestar Galactica (the new one)
Baywatch
Beavis & Butthead
Beverly Hills 90210
Bones
Bosom Buddies
Boston Public
Boston Legal
Boy Meets World
Brothers & Sisters - ADD IN. love this show so much
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Bug Juice

Chappelle's Show
Charlie's Angels
Charmed
Cheers
Clarissa Explains It All
Clone High
Columbo
Commander in Chief
Conviction
Coupling
Cowboy Bebop
Crossing Jordan
CSI
CSI: Miami
CSI: NY
Curb Your Enthusiasm

Dancing with the Stars
Danny Phantom
Dark Angel
Dark Skies
Daria
Davinci's Inquest
Dawson's Creek
Day Break
Dead Like Me
Deadwood
Degrassi Junior High
Degrassi High
Degrassi: The Next Generation - oh sweet mother. a kid's show yes, but i'm in love with it.
Designing Women
Desperate Housewives
Dharma & Greg
Different Strokes
Doctor Who (the old one)
Doctor Who (the new one)
Dragnet
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman
Due South
Dukes of Hazzard

Earth 2
Emergency!
Entourage - would be italicized, but i haven't seen the current season
ER
Even Stevens
Everwood
Everybody Loves Raymond
Ed

Facts of Life
Family Guy - again, i haven't seen the current season
Family Ties
Farscape
Father Ted
Fawlty Towers
Felicity
Firefly-Lovelovelove.
Flash Forward
Frasier
Freaks and Geeks
Friends
Futurama

Get Smart
Gilligan's Island
Gilmore Girls
Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
Green Wing
Grey's Anatomy - i just began watching
Growing Pains
Gunsmoke
GUTS

Hannah Montana
Happy Days
Hell's Kitchen
Hercules:The Legendary Journeys
Heroes
Hogan's Heroes
Home Improvement
Homicide: Life on the Street
House
How I Met Your Mother

I Dream of Jeannie
I Love Lucy
Instant Star
InuYasha
Invader Zim
Invasion

JAG
Jack of All Trades
Jackass
Jeeves & Wooster
Joey
John Doe

LA Law
Laverne and Shirley
Law & Order
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit - i've seen a lot since moving in with katie!
Law & Order: Trial By Jury
Legends of the Hidden Temple
Little House on the Prairie
Lizzie McGuire
Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman - i used to watch this show every sunday night when i was a kid
Lost
Lost in Space
Love, American Style

M*A*S*H
MacGyver
Malcolm in the Middle
Married... With Children - reruns late at night a couple summers ago
Melrose Place
Miami Vice
Mission: Impossible
Monk
Mork & Mindy
Murphy Brown
My Life as a Dog
My So-Called Life
My Super Sweet 16-Sadly enough.
My Three Sons
My Two Dads
Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mythbusters

NCIS
Nip/Tuck
Numb3rs

Once and Again
One Tree Hill
Oz

Party of Five
Perry Mason
Phil of the Future
Pokemon
Power Rangers
Prison Break
Profiler
Project Runway

Quantum Leap
QI
Queer as Folk (US)

Red Dwarf
ReGenesis
Remington Steele
Ren & Stimpy
Rescue Me
Road Rules - i've only seen maybe 3 seasons
Rome - MUST SEE
Roseanne
Roswell

Sailor Moon
Saved by the Bell
Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?
Scrubs - i haven't seen some episodes from seasons 4 & 5
Seinfeld
Sesame Street
Sex and the City - i've been stuck at midway through season 4
Silk Stalkings
Six Feet Under - must get obsessed, but alas
Sliders
Slings and Arrows
Smallville
So Weird
South Park
Spaced
Spongebob Squarepants
Sports Night
Star Trek
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - my family used to be a bunch of trekkies
Star Trek: Voyager - ditto
Star Trek: Enterprise
Stargate Atlantis
Stargate SG-1
Superman
Supernatural - haven't seen any yet, but it is on my MUST SEE list
Surface
Survivor

Taxi
Teen Titans
That 70's Show
That's So Raven
The 4400
The Addams Family
The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.
The Andy Griffith Show
The A-Team
The Avengers
The Beverly Hillbillies
The Big Valley
The Brady Bunch
The Closer
The Colbert Report - have to add this one like lys did
The Cosby Show
The Daily Show
The Dead Zone
The Dick Van Dyke Show
The Flintstones
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
The Golden Girls
The Honeymooners
The Jeffersons
The Jetsons
The L Word
The Love Boat
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
The Mighty Boosh
The Monkees
The Munsters
The Muppet Show
The O.C.
The Office (UK)
The Office (US) - missed the last 10 episodes
The Pretender
The Real World - got really obsessed with Hawaii and New Orleans, but stopped watching after those seasons
The Roundhouse - wow, old school Nickelodeon
The Shield
The Simpsons
The Six Million Dollar Man
The Sopranos - another on my MUST SEE
The State
The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
The Tomorrow People (the old one)
The Tomorrow People (the new one) - my first obsession
The Twilight Zone
The Waltons
The West Wing - yet another MUST SEE
The Wonder Years
The X-Files - my second obession
Third Watch
Three's Company
Top Gear
Twin Peaks
Twitch City
Two and A Half Men

You Can't Do That on Television

Voltron

Xena, Warrior Princess - mar and em love it, i've seen a few of these

now....a lot of these are courtesy of Nick at Nite. see if you can guess those...

oh, and anything Italicized basically means i am completely obsessed. completely.

i'm not here for your entertainment

2007-01-27T08:34:13Z

i love bubble gum pop music. we'll see how well i write this entry while intoxicated.

i'm so happy 'Brokeback Mountain' is out on DVD in special edition. i'm going to buy it very soon. my year anniversary party will be a little late, but that's alright. i'm gonna see if i can handle the pain. i mean, it's already been past one year since i first saw it, i should be okay. meh.

so drunk

sporadic thoughts. i don't know how to spell. maybe i do, not sure.

i thought i'd write down my current 'iPod' playlist on random, even though i don't have one. everyone has been doing it on LJ or on facebook, so i thought i'd join in. here we go:

Bloc Party - Like A Prayer
Daughtry - It's Not Over
Snow Patrol - You're All I Have
Buckcherry - Everything
Akon - Don't Matter
Young Jeezy Feat. R. Kelly - Go Getta
Muse - Starlight
Gwen Stefani Feat. Akon - The Sweet Escape
Fergie Feat. Ludacris - Glamorous
Jet - Shine On
Mims - This Is Why I'm Hot
Nas Feat. will.i.am - Hip-Hop Is Dead
The Ataris - Not Capable Of Love
Brooke Valentine Feat. Dem Franchize Boyz - Pimped Out
Lupe Fiasco Feat. Jill Scott - Day Dreamin'
Switchfoot - Oh, Gravity
Clipse Feat. Slim Thug - Wamp Wamp (What It Do)
AFI - Love Like Winter
All-American Rejects - Top Of The World
Fat Joe Feat. Lil' Wayne - Make It Rain
Ashley Parker Angel - Where'd You Go?
The Killers - Read My Mind
New Found Glory - It's Not Your Fault
Cobra Starship - Send My Love To The Dancefloor, I'll See You In Hell (Hey Mister DJ)
Shiny Toy Guns - Le Disko

my current random 25 at the moment. how excellent. i'm so eclectic. geez...

let's see. i uploaded a bunch of pictures on facebook earlier today. they can tell the story of my last crazy month. everything happened in the last four weeks. i have the best friends in the world. college and high school. they're so awesome. seeing caro was amazing. sami's b-day was a lot of fun. especially when the girls went naked to the BK. so funny! then it was alli's b-day. talked with brad a bunch. not the most pleasant, but still good. he's a great guy. the talk was good. if only he hadn't been on the phone with emily for a little while. talk about awkward. but anyway. allie's was a great night. waiting in line, leaving to go to the mall, finally getting into the Macaroni Grill. that birthday dinner was fantastic. plus, augsburg kids and ana were there. i've missed them a lot, especially ana.

on thursday, was lis's 20th. we went to applebee's, and lis got a free margarita. sometimes i wish i were a woman, just so i could flirt almost anywhere and get a free drink. i got her the 'Ask Me About My STD' t-shirt. the character of Mac wore it to a frat party on 'Veronica Mars.' it was so funny. she loved that she got the t-shirt, and i'm so happy i found it.

speaking of VM, it was SO good on tuesday...

around 5:10, KDWB world premiered 'Give It To Me' by Timbaland Feat. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake. the new version has more instruments in it. it's a great improvement and i love it. i called my sis and we celebrated. and by celebrated, i mean that i was jumping up and down and she was sort of understanding... oh, lisa... ha ha ha.

i miss alyssa a lot. only about 20 weeks until i see her.

i should probably mention my newest obsession: Degrassi. holy fucking shit. this show is amazing. i'm in love with it hardcore. probably to the 'Buffy' level, maybe not the 'Angel' level, but it's up there. i watched the all 112 episodes and the next new one doesn't air until march 6th. it's WAY too long. this show is SO good.

still drunk.

i should eat and drink water. i'll go do that. it's already 2:25. i'm typing slowly, so i spell correctly. goodness...

chris's 21st was this evening. it was so much fun. i haven't cut loose like this in a while. it is so good that i can do this, with no ulterior motive.

before the party began, i went to the Aquatic Center, since Emily was in town for a swim meet. i jumped at the chance to see her, and she'll be here tomorrow as well. she kicked ass. her women's 200 something-or-rather beat the other teams by 10 seconds. kick ass!!! can't wait to see what she does tomorrow night.

i'm currently listening to 'Right Where You Want Me' by Jesse McCartney. only Katie Ekberg would appreciate this. i'm rockin' out for you, Katie!!!!

i'm gonna end this entry before i get too crazy

say what you want 'em to do

2007-01-23T23:09:13Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MRWqlf_8M8&eurl=

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...so funny. nice shirt

now you wait for something to cure this, well i'm here under your downpour

2007-01-22T05:27:22Z

allie, all i want to do is hug you. please call me anytime, love.

wish you never ever met her at all

2007-01-18T06:48:15Z

this whole incident has gone too far. what was he thinking at the golden globes? ugh. he should be fired. if TR Knight had said a slur to him, TR would have been fired in a second. why is saying faggot more appropriate than nigger? this is completely unacceptable. both should be words the communities take back and people should realize how dangerous and hurtful those words are. at least TR has been handling it very well. here's his shy-and-slightly-awkward-because-he's-so-adorable interview on Ellen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1ppZ66sDX0&eurl=

don't be so greedy, a dollar's a penny to you

2007-01-12T23:59:48Z

the guys in 315 had a party last night. steve perfected his 'deathade' concoction. it was delicious. oh, everclear. i'm so excited for caro tonight. it will be so awesome. what's really great is that (if emily shows) my best high school friends will meet my best college friends. that's was really exciting. back to last night's party. almost everyone from dinnaken was there. so much fun. mollie, jillian, jesse, steve, chris, his brother andrew and his girlfriend michelle, colin, heather, katie, lisa, sami, ryan... it was so great. for some reason mar and em weren't there. it felt weird without them around. chris informed me that he is addicted to 'heroes.' EXCELLENT. i can finally talk with someone about this show. heather and i had a good talk before the party and during the party. i talked with my sis on the phone. katie and i also had a really good talk. there were some excellent awesome talks last night. i love bonding and talking so much. the party was such a success. i loved everything about last night. especially when steve played 'the wings' for me on his guitar. oh, that boy...

p.s. my internet is down in my room. i'm visiting my parents and stealing their internet. i don't know when dinnaken internet will be up and running again.

it's not your fault, so please stop your crying now

2007-01-10T00:08:21Z

i really miss my basement. there are so many good memories trapped down there, but that's where they belong. my 16th birthday party, for instance. i had my church friends meet my high school friends and they all met my middle school friends who went to a different high school. three different groups of people who got along for one evening. we rocked out, played card games, danced around like idiots and played board games as well. it was pretty casual, but since music and dancing was involved, it was a david party. macey, beth, and kristin were there. i haven't seen beth in ages, macey and i are back in contact, and kristin has been my best friend forever. i love her so much.

another great time was my 18th birthday party. it began in the garage, but eventually we went inside tempted by the air conditioning. less church people, as i had now seen how my innocent friends were turning into their passive aggressive, money loving, bigoted parents. too bad for them on losing me as a friend. anyway, i had my high school I.B. nerds meet my non-I.B. friends. we all went to the same high school, but still no one knew each other that well. david decided to intervene. another great basement party ensued with more rap and dancing with lights.

eventually, parties became a monthly thing, and a weekly thing for a select few: me, katie, em, and caro. sometimes other people would frequent such as (tiff, amber, and liz), but it was the four of us most of the time. i loved it so much. i remember me and katie teaching caro and em to booty dance. i guess for me and katie it came naturally :) it was awesome. making fun of bad rap songs, and then deeming other ones wonderful. then of course there was the gay techno from 'Queer as Folk.' classic. oh my goodness. junior year, that summer, and first semester senior year. the four of us. my basement was getting so much action.

i want a reunion. i think i want my 21st birthday to be down there. i want so many people there. it will be an adventure. i want all the people i love in attendance. granted, that's a shitload of people but i don't care. i'll convince my parents to leave, and we'll party sunset to sunrise. in the afternoon, i'll have people who may not like drunk naked parties over and then we can go out to eat or something. after dinner, we'll continue catching up and it will be very warm. then, the casual party music will commence and people will dance around stupidly. by night, dirrty rap will happen. i want love. techno will play in the morning hours and continue until sunset. hopefully people will not have passed out. drink accordingly, kids.

my basement needs one last big bash. i need it as well. i want to feel everything move through me. that feeling is amazing. i love you all.

mark your calendars: Saturday, August 11, 2007.

they call me candle guy, simply 'cause i am on fire

2007-01-08T08:32:31Z

i've come a long way since last year. i am very proud of myself for that. i'm glad i can handle that better than last winter and spring, but it is still very difficult. i don't know why i haven't gotten back in contact with nic. i forgot about it, i guess. i went back to my parents house for about a week, but then my mother and sister caught pneumonia and i couldn't afford to be sick. i had too many problems in 2006 and didn't want to deal with a virus as well. seeing my sister was so much fun. we talk on the phone a lot, but it's not the same... anyway, i left my parents early and got back to the apartment to heal by mediating, drinking lots of orange juice, taking zinc, and keeping warm. in two days, all my symptoms were gone and i could finally be well for New Year's. i got too caught up in creating, what i deemed, the 'perfect mix.' it's a little more eclectic than my recent mixes, but gives a nice shoutout to how i use to do them. i've been concentrating too much on hip-hop, so i incorporated some rock and an entire cd of my favorite techno. that made me very happy. the techno part of the mix goes out to em, caro, and katie. it reminds me of simpler times of just us hanging out in my basement and dancing around like fools. i wish i could have that back. caro and katie made up, somewhat, which is fine by me - at least that means that it shouldn't be too awkward attempting to hang out with both of them at the same time in the near future. em.....that's a whole other game. she's....changed. a lot. her behavior reminds of someone who being flaky, but i know that's not it - i just can't think of a better word for it. it's not just me, though. for once i'm not being the crazy, jealous ex. i'm being me. and i'm furious. taking brad back with no future? why would someone want that? i get no details on the relationship so i don't know what it is like at all, but having no future? why would someone be compelled to stay in a dead-end relationship? it doesn't make sense. it's not the emily i remember. there's always more going on, and i'm only getting drops in the bucket. i just wish she'd talk to me like she used to. i saw her at the I.B. nerd party and she seemed fine. just fine. excited to see people, but still different. i understand changing after high school, but she just seemed like a different person, not just a personality change. i'm probably reading too much into this. whatever. she's been weird about seeing other people as well, so it's not just me.

so with that weirdness happening and the semester being finally over and finally clearing my head somewhat, i forgot about nic. i only realized today, and he probably thinks i'm a douche. damn.

the I.B. nerd party was fun. i got to see people i hardly ever see, but once a year is enough. i wasn't even invited to the one last year, so fuck 'em. the only people i know well and am close with i see without the I.B. party, but it was still nice to have most of us back in one room together. i saw caroline the day before that and caught up with her when i met up with her and her family at MOA. i miss caro a lot. so much. it's crazy how much i miss her. seeing her parents again was nice as well. my parents were kind of creepy and they really want to see caro before she heads back to beloit. caro loves my parents though, so it's not even an issue. i saw katie a couple of days before caro and we went shopping as well. i have no money. why am i shopping so much? oy. i love having that connection with someone else who is bi. katie and i just get it. i have that somewhat with jenn, but i don't see jenn that often. katie and i just have this weird thing where we can talk about gay things forever. i felt back for jenna at the I.B. party when katie, joe, and i stayed until 2:00 talking about gay things. it was the GAYEST conversation i've had in a while. it was so much fun. i miss that - high school friends and the gayness factor.

new year's happened and that was great. i ran over because for some reason i really wanted to kiss alyssa at midnight. i don't know why. probably a bad idea since she wanted to kiss allie so bad. and then i was late anyway. nobody got what they wanted. meh. all was made up for since i got to see the augsburg kids i hardly see, plus dana, allie, and alyssa. that was wonderful. we got back to the apartment around 12:30, and crazy dance party began in my room. seriously, one of these days it will be an orgy. we cross more and more boundaries at every party. it's so funny.

i started going back to my parents for dinners. they miss me and it's nice. with lisa being sick the last couple of days she was in town, and me leaving so quickly, i knew they would appreciate me back every once in a while. so now we'll waste gas for the rest of break, so i can have dinner with them every other night. it's all good. i can get them addicted to more television shows. that's been the tradition in my family for years. lisa and i would watch a show, separately or together, and introduce it to my parents so we could all watch it during dinner. i took over after lisa left and i still continue the tradition. they love it, i love that they love it, and i love showing them wonderful television.

allie, matt, and i went shopping today and i bought more things. bad david. allie got a wart removed on her foot, so she was limping all around the mall. it must've been painful, but it was so funny to watch. allie's great. matt and i had good bonding time as well. so besides emily, everything social-wise seems to be great. love life and school could be better, but as long as something is in order i'm fine. well, maybe not yet. i will be.

ryan and i have been watching 'The Office' a lot. we've watched 13 episodes in three viewing sessions. i love marathons.

alyssa is coming up on the 10th to leave, so i must be free. i love her so much and cannot wait to see her one last time before she has a kickass time in Italy.

i'm very excited for caro's party. she's looking forward to it, and i know we'll show her a good time. i'm just gonna use the rest of the new year's mix i mad since only half was played last time. and, i'm gonna see her when she comes home wednesday and hang out before the party. i get so much caroline this break. YAY! oh, caro. how i love you so.

take me away to a place where the good times roll

2006-12-21T20:55:38Z

SNL hasn't been funny in a long time. Little did they know, if Justin Timberlake came back, so would the comedy. holy fucking shit. so funny. my favorite sketch was this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA

i want to vanish inside your kiss

2006-12-17T23:18:31Z

oh goodness, time for a music post. here's a sample from my current playlist:

Timbaland Feat. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake - Give It Up To Me
Chris Brown Feat. Hav-Boy - Poppin' (Remix)
Nicole Scherzinger - Steam
Stone Sour - Through The Glass
The Killers - Bones
Panic! At The Disco - Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off
Corinne Bailey Rae - Like A Star
AFI - Miss Murder
Goo Goo Dolls - Let Love In
311 - Frolic Room
Diddy Feat. Christina Aguilera - Tell Me
Placebo - Special Needs
Baby & Lil' Wayne - Stuntin' Like My Daddy
Ewan McGregor & Nicole Kidman - Come What May
Fall Out Boy - This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race
Justin Timberlake Feat. Timbaland & Three 6 Mafia - Chop Me Up
Cassie - Long Way 2 Go
P!nk - U + Ur Hand
Ludacris Feat. Mary J Blige - Runaway Love
U2 & Green Day - The Saints Are Coming
Pitbull - Ay Chico (Lengua Afuera)
Shakira Feat. Carlos Santana - Illegal
The Pussycat Dolls Feat. Timbaland - Wait A Minute
Nelly Furtado - Say It Right
iiO - Kiss You

any of these songs played in my presence will render me useless as i will have turned into putty.

no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

2006-12-14T22:36:46Z

i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

it just ain't fair, but i...i'm love stoned and i could swear that she knows, i think that she knows

2006-11-28T07:23:59Z

why did i not listen to this cd as soon as it was released?!?!? i'm in love with it. i love Justin. mmmm.....

~

i'm feeling pretty good lately. i skipped journalism because....well, i didn't really have a reason besides that i was tired and didn't feel like learning. i'll just study the chapter this week. i'm meeting eric tomorrow for dinner and 'Weeds.' i'm really looking forward to that. i have to do that chapter and then set up a mini-mix i'll create for New Year's. then, i have a journalism group presentation and paper due next wednesday. i should really read that chapter - globalization. and i finally register tomorrow!!! i have plenty of intro classes to choose from so hopefully something will work out.

i'm in a really good place right now. for once i feel a little stable. it's amazing considering me last year - such a drastic difference. i love it so much.

and you breathe out, for it ain't so weird how it makes you a weapon

2006-11-19T21:04:20Z

WTF?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061119/pl_nm/usa_politics_draft_dc

if the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy if overruled and if this new legislation passes...i'm screwed. hopefully, i will still be discriminated against if the legislation passes. it's a long shot to pass, since i don't know that many democrats would go for it. however, since a democrat is proposing this, you never know.

roll up chronic and hash in a blunt - call it Aftermath

2006-11-16T06:42:36Z

i am Veronica Mars' bitch. (the show, not the character). i find so many flaws all the time, and i just don't care. i love it so fucking much. i am so glad other people are obsessed. i have wonderful places to agree and vent and love Veronica/Logan. how i love Logan.

~

i am as fucked up as anybody else. my thoughts are very jumbled right now. i feel like i'm afraid to live life, and enjoy complaining about not living it, but not actually going out and doing anything. i did almost nothing today. i could've gone out and visited people, or talked to someone on the phone, or.....i don't know. just something. Ty's gonna have fun with this one. oh well. i can't wait to finally talk with him. he says he's free later this week, so that's good.

i'm obviously seeing the repercussions from em in new ways....i just didn't think i was that fragile, still. i wonder what she went though. it's too bad that it would be awkward to randomly call her up and ask that question. bah! as long as i don't overly focus on it, it'll get better faster. right?

still need a venue. i don't even need a definite date. i just need to explore and DO SOMETHING. i'm so pissed at myself. that's why i'm getting a little frustrated with Mar. stupid Em. stupid brokeback. damn them both. but they're important. ugh. so conflicted.

i'm just afraid of falling into similar patterns of last year. it's becoming that time again. it'll be one year since i met everyone in about a week. another week will be beginning of depression. another week will be a year from throwing up in the Pio bathroom. three weeks after that will be a year from brokeback. i'm kind of nervous, but i know i'll be fine. i have myself and wonderful friends. but isn't that all anyone really needs?

~

i'm really getting into the laid back dance songs. the one's that are slower, but not. that was a horrible description. like the Cassie song i'm listening to, or the 'Maneater' remix, or the new Justin song, or the new Akon, etc. i just really like that kind of music. it always makes me......something.

i also really love the new song from The Game. he's such a good rapper. and of course Jay-Z's new one - great shit.

applause, applause, no wait wait

2006-11-10T08:52:19Z

'STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP' PICKED UP FOR A FULL SEASON!!!

'VERONICA MARS' had three more scripts ordered. not the full season i was hoping for this soon in the year, but i will take any good news. this moves its episode order up to 16 from 13. why it has not already been picked up for a full 22 episode season and already renewed for another is beyond me...

i refuse to believe that it's only me feeling

2006-11-09T19:25:26Z

news:

Ed Bradley dead at 65. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/11/09/national/main2165871.shtml
Danny and his military boyfriend from Real World: New Orleans, broke up. http://advocate.com/currentstory1_w.asp?id=39250
Bill Maher outs Ken Mehlman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUvDdzBr5Fk&eurl=

~

as most of you know, i have been pretty pissed off lately. i have some good news. i finally got around to doing some stuff i had been avoiding. i finally began to create my premiere mix, which i am very excited about. also, i made my best of depressing songs from Queer as Folk seasons 3-5. the first two seasons don't even compare to the last three. it is a little pathetic that i can recall exactly what is happening to the characters when every song is played. a lot of them are when Brain and Justin are having sex. .....what? they play really good music when they fuck.

anyway. i behind another math assignment. it's not a big deal, just a time waster. i should really do that today, but i want to get the mix done, so i am not so rushed. well, we all know it's not much of a debate and that i will work on the mix and not do my homework.

these past few weeks have been really nice. i really loved chlo's and seeing so many people i don't see often. that night was amazing. halloween was really fun as well. it was nice seeing joe from next door. he's a cool kid, and i am glad we randomly drop by each other's rooms every so often.

~

i can't believe wisconsin passed both amendments. i expected so much better from them. death penalty and same sex marriage. wonderful. i don't know which is less human, killing people or denying people their rights as humans. i am also in shock that minnesota passed the transportation amendment. just when my mother finally got a good job, she could be out of it by next year. yay! good news all around. oh, and i almost forgot to mention. Pawlenty is our governor again!!!! i am so happy. 'i promise to give back that money i stole from education funding, i promise.' yeah... sure. if you might actually do that, it won't matter since that money will go towards transportation. so he does not really have to keep his promise anyway. stupid, stupid, stupid americans.

we'll forget the sun in his jealous sky, as we lie in fields of gold

2006-11-07T07:39:26Z

the latest episode of 'Studio 60' has sparked a topic that has long irked me. democrat = agnostic. republican = christian. i hate this generalization so much. i was raised Lutheran, and although being raised and what one currently believes can be different for me it is not. i still believe everything i was taught and i am glad i do. i believe in heaven. i believe Jesus is the son of god who died for our sins. i believe in the devil. i am a flaming liberal. why is religious liberal often depicted as an oxymoron?

agnostics need proof to believe. i need proof as well. i am not believing solely with faith. when i had my horrible night six months ago, this past saturday, i had proof. when i was on a church retreat to Camp Omega in seventh and eighth grade, i had proof. when i saw my fellow church goers for who they really were, i had proof. the night i saw an angel, i had proof. (i do not feel like exploiting all of these personal experiences on here, because i do not want to desensitize them.)

why do some people experience this proof and others do not? i am not wise enough to answer that. what i can say is that i know i was ready. every event that occurred, happened when i felt like i was on a different plane, emotionally. they are rare, and since six months ago i have not had one and before that it had been a very long time. i do not need another. most of those experiences happened as i was building my faith, and the one six months ago was a reminder.

i know.

~

people who use the bible to justify that being gay is a sin need to set their facts...straight. first off, the old testament described that homosexual acts were an abomination, not being gay. but, it is all moot since every old testament law was overruled by the teachings of Jesus. he never once mentions or teaches that being gay, or engaging in gay acts is an abomination. granted, a lot of what he taught and all of the history cannot accurately be attributed to in a bible, however everything some people understood to be important was included. if Jesus felt so strongly about this issue, why would it be omitted (since it was included in the old testament)?

i also hate the way 'Christians' are depicted in the media. they have the power and control and since they are 'extreme' they get attention. is not believing differently than they do, with a similar religion, extreme as well? why are these extremists not exposed? they are afraid. any type of retaliation will instill fear. but since many 'liberals' might feel this way, why not all come together? for instance, in my journalism class this evening we discussed freedom of speech and what offends people. some newspapers are afraid of an uproar, if they publish certain (not illegal) material. what if the opposing viewpoint came together? the view that defends what they are publishing. what are they so afraid to do this?

we are the generation of change. it is a slow process and i am impatient. i hope that i get to witness the change.

try to slip past his defense, without granting innocence

2006-10-27T21:16:56Z

you know my fascination with the number 47? how it appears everywhere.....? well anyway, i went to that site where you can search for how many people have your name in the United States (http://ww2.howmanyofme.com/search/). guess how many people have my name? 47. weird...

~

VM is really good this season and retaining almost all of its viewers episode to episode, so hopefully it will get a full season pickup.

The L Word season 3. so good. so sad. i've been watching that episode over and over again. why no emmy? no idea. ugh.

~

that's it. pretty bored. i'm probably going to nap.